Is Your All on the Altar?

Well, today is Mother's Day. It has been a somewhat weird day for me. I have had mixed feelings for the most of the day. I'm not quite sure why I have been so strong about this all day and then right after church tonight it just hits me.

For those of you that don't know, on May 14, 2008 I lost my mom to a sudden blood clot that moved to her heart. I was age 14 at the time. It changed my whole perspective on life. My life turned upside down. For the most part... I gave up on life because I really didn't care much anymore. I mean, yes I knew God was with me and that He was comforting me, but for some reason I seeked for more. God brought into my life many new things. Put a guitar in my hands, placed a glove back on my hand for summer baseball at my school. Suddenly once all of that began to settle down, some people walked out on me it seems, I worked my way into a depression. I'm not sure if you know what that feels like, but basically I seriously didn't care about much, just worked my way through, trusted God and gripped on but tried to walk my own way sometimes. God placed my best friend in my life in less than a year after that. She pointed me even more back to God and encouraged me to start giving it all back to Him. Only God knows how thankful I am that He placed Megan into my life. She was so much more as well than just my best friend, God brought our hearts to grow together spiritually, and it is amazing to see where in the world He has brought us from and has taken us to. God placed me in an amazing youth group, with an amazing youth pastor that if I need anything, I know that he will be there for me. This point in my life now, God still has Megan in my life, my amazing church is growing spiritually. I love seeing all of the baptisms that have taken place the past few weeks.

I guess the point that I am getting to here is that, yes, I so miss my mom. Do I wish she was still here? Of course. Was it God's plan for her to go? Yes. Do I understand totally why He took her? Nope. Will I ever? God will decide that. It was God's plan for this to happen, so I will rejoice in His work, and praise Him. Lord I give you the glory. Yes, I do miss my mom, but God has a plan, and I will not change that because this is best because it was decided by God and allowed by Him. I will take joy in what God has brought through all of this. Many lives have been touched, mine especially.

God will take you where you are in your broken state. One of my current favorite passages is in Psalms 31:12-15. Talks about how God uses the broken for His work and how He wants us to go to Him and lay our all on the altar. In every state that were in we should lay our all on the altar and let Him take control.

I love you God, thank you for breaking me and molding me, continue molding me into who I need to be. Happy mothers day mom, I love you. Thank you for pointing me to Jesus, and keeping me in line and reminding me to do what Jesus would do and for encouraging me. I'll see you in heaven soon.

God thank you again, I love you. Is your all on the altar?

Lord, I need You

It seems that... every day that I have lived the past month has taught me that I need You, God, more than anything else in this world. Through all the trials and struggles You've placed me in, I have learned to lean on You more than anything. I'm realizing more and more each day that I can't live without You. Lord... I love you. I don't show it very well, but I really do. I'm a dirty sinner, but You washed my sins away in the blood of Jesus. I'll always be amazed about the fact that You love me that much to send Your Son to die for me. I want to be a light to others that with You all things are possible. You saved everyone in my youth group and me from death last week. Yes, others call it luck, but I call it blessed. I remember those people from Virginia.... My whole ski trip was meant to minister to these people I believe, and also Homer and Hugh. I cry out Your name when I'm low and weary and You bring me rest. You take my burdens and make them light. The world may not understand why I have made it through the past few years like I have, but I do... and it's from You.

Lord, I want You to know that I want to be a shining light for You. Make me a servant. I want to wash others' feet. I want to wash Your's. I love you God, help me live that out. Help me live out Your name through you. I can't do this on my own. I can't get rid of sins and prevent them on my own, I need you. Lord, I need you when the tough gets tougher, when the sweet gets sweeter, and every breath I take I need you.

Lord, this is my prayer to You. I want to be a servant. I want to have a better attitude about things. I want to proclaim Your name and to not cause Your name shame. Jesus, I love You. Lord, I need You.

Faith

Sometimes life can seem so overtaking. It's rough. It's not fair. It pushes you down when you do not feel like getting back up. Sometimes it will be one thing after another. Pushing you down and kicking you while you're laying there. Well... I have learned in the past to push on through. Even though I did it while hiding my emotions. Not letting anyone see how I was feeling. I was basically being a mask showing no emotion whatsoever. It is hard to beleive that now.... I'm learning that being strong isn't holding up and being a "man" about things. It isn't keeping tears from your eyes. It isn't faking it for others. Being strong.... is showing others that you do have emotions, but you have hope... faith. Faith.... God has really been digging into me lately with this. I have trusted Him with everything I had, well I thought so atleast. I'm learning that I truly need to show I have faith that... not exactly that God will do what I want Him to do, but that God will do what's best for me. I have to understand this. It's hard putting what I want to happen aside. I'm finally learning the true meaning of faith. God is building my faith through this storm I'm in right now. God has my praise through this. I want His will to come out of this situation I'm in. I love you God.... I have my faith put in you.

This is Love

So in my devotions lately I've been reading in the book of John. I was reading right before Christ was arrested to go to trial and then be crucified, and it was when Christ was praying in the garden. It talks about in a part of the passage that... He was praying for those that were going to become believers in Him... not just right after His death and resurrection, but believers until the end of the earth's days... including all of the believers now... including me and you if you have accepted Him as your personal Savior. It's so amazing that... not only did He pray for believers in general, but He prayed for every single one of us... because He loves us and wants us to be strong... strong in Him and to keep a relationship with Him. It just hit me as I was reading... that not only was He praying... but He prayed to His Father... our Heavenly Father. Christ was there with God at the creation of all things... because He is God. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God..." He prayed to the Heavenly Father for us because He loves us so much and wants us to live for Him... Christ loves us so much. I wonder why the God of everything in the universe would love a wretched sinner like I am, that He would send His only Son to die for me so I wouldn't have to spend eternity in Hell, but instead we can spend eternity with Him in Heaven.

This really is Love.

How I love Thee

It's been a while since I've posted a post on here... so well here we go. This past Sunday, I went to this church with my family because my papa was going to preach there, my family was going to sing, and they wanted me to play some guitar too. I just got back from visiting with Meg and her family, and I had to come up with some songs to play that night. I was supposed to put around 4 songs together, and I chose some songs I have known for a while and one that I just recently wrote. The songs I sang that night were As the Deer, I am Barrabas, By His Wounds, and Oh My Lord (the song I've written). Little did I realize what was going on until we were at the church doing sound checks. All the songs that I chose... were put on my heart by God with the message of.. desiring God and loving Him.

The songs basically together talk about... We need to have God as our heart's desire. We should long to worship Him as well. God gave His Son Jesus to die for us in our place, just as Jesus was chosen to die over Barrabas as the crowd released Barrabas. By His wounds on the cross and by His blood shed in our place, we are healed because He is our sacrifice for our sins... so we don't have to face Hell for our sins, we can go to Heaven and see Him and worship Him forever and ever. Oh My Lord talks about how I (we) love God for His Sacrifice on the cross, and how He is the King over all things.... our King. Here is the chorus from Oh My Lord.

-We sing praises to the Lamb
He holds us in His Hand
Oh my Lord
Oh how I love Thee

Reminders

So I really don't know why I'm blogging about this right now... but it's on my mind right now. So I was at WVCEA Fine Arts Festival at the campus of Appalachian Bible College in Beckley, West Virginia. I end up being a runner for part of the day, and in my day... God had me set through some things that really helped me... Yet it still doesn't take away all of the pain.

So it starts as this... at 8:45 AM we had a meeting and we selected packets for us to be runners for. My friend Meg was there too that day and I wanted to be able to hang out with her some too, and I really wanted to see and hear her piano performance. Basically as a runner we took packets of score sheets back and forth from the judges to the headquarters for the records of scores. So my original packet was for instrumental solos. It was supposed to end around 2:30 PM, but I found out that another packet ended around noon. Turns out that packet was for Preaching and Bible Teaching... and did I mention it was a half of a mile or so from headquarters and the main buildings? Well it was. I thought I was going to be in for it that day and just couldn't wait until noon to get out of work.

Well it turns out that I can't leave my post to see performances until I'm done or when I'm returning a packet for a category to headquarters I could see a performance along the way. Well turns out.. First person and category is from 9:30-9:50 AM and... Meg played at 9:50. As I'm sitting there waiting for the first speaker to arrive and speak, the judges are talking about... how a bunch of people they know have lost their mom. Of course all of these people are in the age range of 40-60. As you know, I lost my mom almost two years ago at the age of 14 at the time, and yes, still today I struggle with missing her. It's definitely not easy still to this day. I still find myself jealous sometimes... jealous that other people in their 30-40's still have their mothers the majority of the time. I still wonder why shes gone now. I understand that things have came out of that, and yes, I do find myself wishing that it could have worked out that everything happened without having to lose my mom.

But anyway, here's my story I was getting to. The very first person preached on God's timing... and how He has the right timing on things always. It just really helped me even more... Just even though I know that He knew what He was/is doing, but just being reminded of it helped. And did I mention that during this time... the speaker started 5 minutes early and finished at 9:45? Well he did, and I ran all the way to the building where headquarters was located, which was the same building Meg's piano performance was. Well, lets say... that not only did God know the best timing for the issue on my mom... this was just even more evidence that He knows. Right after the message mentioning God's timing, I end up getting out just in time to see and hear Meg play her piece and tell her great job and run back in time. Turns out... My music director at my school let me go to eat with Meg and her family and friends with my dad's permission, and came back and spent rest of the day hanging out and stuff like that.

Turns out, Meg placed 1st in digital black and white photography, 1st in textiles, and 3rd on her piano piece that I was blessed to be able to go hear. Turns out that God had the timing for Fine Arts in the best way possible... better than I honestly could have planned it.

Definitely was reminders all day... that God knew what He was doing with my mom. He knows why He took her home. I don't exactly know why, but they're are evidences that probably wouldn't be here at all if it wasn't for God's timing.

From Fear to Comfort

Have you ever lost a loved one? Well... I have. On Wednesday May 14th, 2008, I lost my mom. My life has been an adventure since that day. It seems as... well basically like I am in my second life. It feels as though... I began a new life. It's been a long journey, with many twists and turns since that day. I've had people walk in and then walk out, I've had an amazing person join my journey. She's helped me a lot along the roads she's traveled down with me.

So... before that day.... I had a life, a great life. It was going well for me. I remember the very last time that I had mom comfort me... I could barely walk because of severe muscle spasms in my leg, and she was there for me through that. Little did I know that that was the last time I'd have a mom to comfort me. On that Wednesday... my life was turned upside down. I didn't quite understand what life was... I understood that my biggest fear in life actually came many many years before I thought it would ever come. That night I remember... going home asking God, "Lord, why? I don't quite understand this... What do I do now that my life is seeming to be over?" I remember feeling God literally curl me up into his arms.... not the feeling of comfort... but I felt His arms come around me. I remember seriously... falling asleep in God's arms that night. It was my first night of many that I'd feel that comfort. I remember that whole week...sleeping with my dad downstairs in the living room floor. Then when my mamaw left the house to go stay back at her house, dad and i went back to try to sleep in our normal beds and I laid awake for weeks... months wondering why and still feeling God wrapping His arms around me.

Later in June, I was fortunate to get my first guitar... I felt as God allowed me to get it as a means to try to help ease the pain in a way I could apply myself. I remember... guitar was my life, I lived to serve God and play guitar. I would play with people from church all the time. I remember when we first got the band together. It was amazing for the months that it lasted. That Christmas... God helped my dad find the guitar that I dreamed about. To this day I still have my PRS CE24 and it's my favorite guitar I've ever played.

Short after that, people started leaving my church, and sooner than I knew it, I was the only one left in the youth group again. For years I have been praying to God for someone that I truly cared about to come along, and for them to truly care about me. In March of 2009, God answered my prayer. Meg has been a gift from God to me. She has helped encourage my walk with God along the way and has helped comfort me when I have been down in my adventurous life that seems to be the second one that I have lived. I look back in the time line of my life and pre-life, and God really planned my life to where if one thing was taken out, I don't know if I would have ever met Meg. God really knew what He was doing. God has put Meg in my life. He really answered my prayer. Ten months after God brought her in my life, he still keeps blessing me with her.

I guess... as I have been writing this post... I realized something I always knew... yet it really hit me right now even more. God really did know what He was doing. Yes, I do REALLY MISS my mom. She was a big impact on my life. To this day, she still has impacted my life. God is still there for me whenever I call on Him. He always will be. He comforts me. To this day I still can ask for God to hold me close... and I still feel His arms around me. Even though I try to rejoice in her being in Heaven, and have joy over it. I still really miss her, and I know its okay to miss her and have your hard days every now and then. It's going to be all okay. I need to keep reminding myself not to worry about my fears in my future, God has it all planned out for me. I just need to stick close to Him.

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."~Matthew 6:33-34